New Year’s Eve 1991, I was invited to go bowling with a small group of people
who I hadn’t known for very long and didn’t know very well at all. We bowled and we drank, but I don’t remember much more. I don’t remember leaving the bowling alley, but I remember seeing headlights on our way somewhere.
I have no idea how I got into a hotel room. I only remember opening my eyes and knowing that someone was on top of me. It took me a minute to comprehend what was happening. I felt dazed. Once I realized the situation I was in, my mind was screaming for me to push him off, but my body wouldn’t do what I wanted it to. I had no strength. None. I was dead weight. I am certain I was drugged. I looked at my hands laying by my sides and kept saying to myself, “Lift your hands; push him off!!” I stared at my hands waiting for them to do what I was telling them to, but they never did and I passed back out.
After waking up naked, confused, cold and terrified, I found my way home. I didn’t leave my house much. That went on for weeks. I didn’t tell anyone what happened. I felt depressed and dirty, and I wasn’t getting out of bed very often. Then, about the time I was beginning to come out of the “fog” of the incident, I began getting sick — every morning.
I looked in the phone book and found a place that specializes in “crisis pregnancies.” I called and made an appointment. February 14, 1991 — Valentine’s Day. I pee’d in a cup and waited for the results that I already knew the answer to. The lady came to the waiting area and took me back into a room to give me my results where several counselors were waiting. They told me I was pregnant and had a video for me to watch. I watched. I watched the life cycle of the baby in my tummy. I learned about the heart developing. This baby already has a heartbeat. As I left the building, that’s what I couldn’t get out of my head: a heartbeat.
I drove away from there a very scared 18 year old and felt I had to tell someone. I chose my sister. When I arrived, she looked so beautiful in a red formal dress, busy blowing up balloons, preparing for her engagement party to her future husband. It was just me and her in the room. “I’m pregnant.” I wasn’t feeling the excitement, but she had enough for both of us and it gave me hope. She could feel my despair, but never wavered.
One by one, I told those close to me about the “incident” and about the pregnancy. I was blessed to have such a loving and supportive family. We’ve always been very close. I’m grateful I was surrounded by their love. It would carry me through the next eight months of pregnancy, and far beyond.