I first started dating him when I was 18 and he was respectful for the most part. Initially we were just friends and when we were in a relationship, we weren’t intimate at all. We broke up after for a couple of years and started dating again. We became intimate twice, but otherwise, our relationship was not physical. I had no indication at that time what he would one day be capable of doing to me.
He began training for the police force and on a couple of occasions told me that if he ever saw me with another guy, he would shoot me. It was hard to imagine he was serious, but the first time he said it, I warned him that if he ever said anything about guns again, I would end the relationship. When he said it a second time, I again warned him about breaking up with him, even though he’d told me, “If you ever break up with me, no other man will have you if I cannot have you.” I eventually broke up with him after he graduated police training school because of lack of communication.
I only heard from him once, after about four months, and he told me, “No matter what, you are going to be my wife. Even if you marry someone else, I will kill your husband and you will have my child by whatever means possible.” It was difficult to take him seriously because I knew he had great respect for his mother and sisters, and so, it was impossible for me to imagine he could do such things. Also, I considered myself to be a brave person and I was not easily intimidated at that time.
Despite the threats, he left me alone after that, for about three years, until he just showed up at my house one night saying he wanted to talk to me. We remained outside while we spoke. He told me, “I cannot see myself having a baby with another woman.” I made it clear that, “First of all, I would not want to have a child out of marriage,” and then he said it again. But he was laughing, so it seemed like he was joking and I still did not take him seriously. He left after that.
A few days later, on October 12, 2015, as I was enjoying a vacation leave from work, he called me. I didn’t recognize his number because I’d deleted his contact. He said he was in the area passing through, and as it was raining outside, he asked if he could stop in for some shelter because he was sickly, as he’s an asthmatic and needed to rest inside. Feeling sympathy for him, I let him inside, on the veranda — on the porch. I went inside, and to my surprise, he came inside my home into the room where I was. He began telling me that he was accused of multiple murder charges and going through court cases, that he had resigned from the police force, and that he was now training with the army. I asked if he was guilty, and can’t even remember his response because of what happened next.
He held me down, held me from behind and forced himself upon me. I remember repeatedly pleading, “Stop, you are hurting me.” As I attempted to escape, with the slightest move I made, I felt excruciating pain. I was thinking to myself, “Is he really doing this to me? Do I really know this person?” All I could think is “how can I get away from this person?” I thought that maybe I could talk him out of this.
He told me, “I want to have a son. I want him to look like me with your color of eyes.” Then he changed and said, “I think I want to have a daughter instead. I want her to have my hair, with your eyes and your smile.” I knew I needed him to just stop, so I said, “Listen, I am not supposed to get pregnant.” He just asked why. I told him that I cannot provide for a child and he just replied that he would provide those things. Then I told him that my doctor says I’m not supposed to get pregnant — which is not true, but I was just trying to get him to stop. He got angry and yelled at me, “Why, why, why can’t you get pregnant? Why can’t you get pregnant?” I just said it was for medical reasons which I could not disclose to him, but he didn’t even respond and just proceeded in raping me.
When he was done, he lay there for what seemed like a really long time, but I had no strength to get him off. Then he got up, went to the door, and turned around just before leaving to say, “Don’t even think of going to the cops because if you report it, they are just going to laugh at you because squaddie (police) cover for squaddie. And you know how my friends are.” I knew he meant that his friends from his community were involved in gang-related activities and that they would come for me.
I didn’t move at all after that. I lay there wondering what just happened? Who just left my house? Who was that person I’d met when I was 18? Who was that person I had dated? I didn’t move for hours.
The following day, though I was afraid to even open my door, I used the last few dollars I had to get the emergency contraceptive pill, hoping to prevent the pregnancy. I was afraid to tell anyone what he’d done because I was ashamed and blamed myself for letting him inside the house.
On November 9, 2015, after realizing I missed my cycle, I decided to visit my doctor. He had me do a pregnancy test, and while the result was in front of me, I was clueless. When my doctor said “your test is positive, congratulations,” I froze. I was shocked and frightened all at once.
Then I told the doctor what had happened, and he said, “there are other options.” Out of curiosity and not really thinking, I asked, “What?” My doctor said, “you could do an abortion” but I told him, “that is not an option.” He just said, “That’s fine, that’s fine. If you choose to carry, I know you will be fine even though you said you are not ready for a child, and your child will be amazing.” He also proceeded to tell me of a case of an unplanned pregnancy he knew of where the mother said she was not ready for a child, but after the child was born, she brought him to the doctor to show him how happy she was that she had the child. He was saying these things as words of encouragement to me and that is what I needed to hear, though I was still worried.
Abortion has been illegal here in Jamaica, including in cases of rape, but there were ways to get an illegal abortion. When I was in high school, I knew of one girl who got an illegal abortion. Back then, I remember wondering what she went through. I knew she was trying to protect her reputation and didn’t want to drop out of school, but I thought it was still wrong because it’s murder from my point of view. Abortion is murder.
I knew I was in for a rougher time now that I had a baby on the way. After I walked out of the doctor’s office, I called my ex — the man who raped me. I was angry and I thought that he needed to know what he had done, but I did not get a response from him. Then I called a girlfriend of mine from my Bible study group. She had been like an older sister to me. I told her I was pregnant and what had happened. She used the term rape right away. At first, it was difficult for me to say that word. I had blamed myself for letting him inside the house. I had always considered myself to be strong, brave, and self-sufficient, so to acknowledge that I had been raped felt like I was admitting a weakness.
My friend asked me, “Who else have you told?” She told me to get some rest and that she would try calling him in the morning, but after multiple attempts and no response, she sent him a message and told him she’s capable of sending the army after him. He replied that he currently had two other girls pregnant and that if I was pregnant, he would take care of the child.
His first response when he contacted me was, “Marry me and let us take care of our child.” When I told him I would rather be dead than to be married to a cruel guy like him, he got angry. The long and short of it, he resorted to verbally abusing me, tried to have my friends convince me to marry him — which they refused, and even telling me that my unborn child wasn’t his. He said that if I wouldn’t marry him, he would marry one of the other pregnant moms, which didn’t matter to me. I just wanted him to leave me alone.
Knowing at this point I wouldn’t have a father to support my child financially, I borrowed money from multiple loan agencies and entered into a business arrangement with a friend who later ran off without repaying me. He just disappeared. I tried taking him to court, but I was told to go outside and sort it all out with him. This was early in my pregnancy.
Due to the fact that the loan was repayable via salary deduction, I was left with little to no money to survive on during my pregnancy. I’m a secretary, so I don’t earn a lot of money. My mother is unemployed and my father passed away, so I do not have family support to rely upon. My friends at church were my family and there for me in whatever way they could be. From time to time someone would bring me breakfast, or help me pay rent or pay for food. I was just focused on keeping a shelter over my head. If my church family had not thrown me a baby shower, I don’t know how I would have managed.
I went for days most times without having a meal, sometimes I cried myself to sleep, and on top of that I was in and out of the hospital due to morning sickness. I also had to relocate because I feared for my life as my rapist was being tried in court for multiple murder charges related to his job, and I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t have furniture or appliances and had to walk to work since I had no transportation. I was under so much stress just to survive that after checkups, sometimes I would leave the doctor’s office literally disoriented and not knowing which way to go.
Shortly before my child was born, my church family determined that I should not be alone, and I moved in with another young woman from my church who gave me her bedroom while she slept on the couch. I felt as though I was intruding on her space, and I knew she did not have much, but she was willing to give what she had in order to accommodate me.
Once I knew I was having a boy, I gave him a name which means “gift from God,” because that is what he is. I gave birth to him three weeks early, and it was a difficult labor because he wasn’t coming out. Once he was born, I was so relieved to hear him cry. They lay him on my chest and I was filled with so much emotion, thinking God came through again. With all I’d been through during my pregnancy, I never knew if I was going to make it through, and I was just so grateful in that moment to know that God came through again.
When I looked upon him, I couldn’t see that he looked like me or like his biological father. He was and is his own individual. I just saw a handsome baby boy.
My son was having a little difficulty breathing at first, so he was taken to the neonatal ward, and about 12 hours later, he was brought to me. When the nurse handed him to me, she said, “Mother, take good care of this child. If anything happens to him, I’m going to find you,” and she smiled.
I remember for days just looking at my child thinking, “Wow, did I really have this child? Did this beautiful child really come out of me?”
Because I was malnourished, I wasn’t producing enough milk, so I had to begin giving him formula and that pained me that I could not nurse him. That brought on another issue because I did not have the money for formula. The young lady with whom we were living walked to and from work just to be able to pay for his formula and sometimes skipped meals herself.
My son is now 2-1/2 years old, and this friend who helped us is like an aunt to him. Today, he is healthy and doing well physically despite the difficulties I still have in providing for him. However, I must be grateful for the few friends I have who have assisted me and who try to assist as much as possible.
There are days when I find it hard to cope physically, mentally and emotionally as I am haunted by the events of his conception. At times, the rape comes flooding down on me. Knowing that my son is going to grow up without a father hurts. I’m the only one who is trying to provide for him. Some days I still skip meals to be able to feed him, and other days, I just don’t have the money to buy him his fruits and veggies which he is requesting.
I believe that God has a special purpose for my son and I just want to be the best mother that God intends for me to be.
BIO: Jane is a 28 year old secretary and single mother from Jamaica, now pro-life blogger for Save The 1. She intends to write more of her pregnant by rape story soon. Since others have requested how to assist, there is a GoFundMe set up for Jane and her child: https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-me-for-my-son039s-sake
