I met the twin’s dad (TD) in July of 2016 at my job. We worked in the same field for the Federal Government. I had a boyfriend at the time who is now my ex, and I was expecting a platonic working relationship with TD. I happened to mention to TD that I was going to Vegas on a girl’s trip at the end of July 2016, and he let me know that he was also going to Vegas the same weekend, so I told him we should meet up and go to a pool party in a friendly platonic way. My ex and my 2 female friends were also going to Vegas. My Vegas trip was Friday 7/29/16 to Monday 8/1/16. My 2 friends and my ex returned to San Diego on Sunday July 31st, but I had a flight scheduled to return 8/1/16, since I was planning to stay an extra day with one of my best friends. However, she backed out at the last minute because she was four months pregnant.
Thinking nothing of it, I texted TD to go out to a casino and walk the strip, and he said his friends were leaving to San Diego as well and he didn’t have anywhere to stay. He gently asked me if I had an extra bed in his room where he could crash. I felt bad for him and it really sounded like such an innocent request, so I reluctantly agreed. At this point, we had never flirted or talked about dating or sex, and both of us had always been completely appropriate, so I didn’t feel threatened at the time.
He came to my room around 6pm Sunday 7/31/16, and we were listening to music, talking and had a few drinks but we were not too intoxicated. However, he began flirting with me so I reminded him from that first sign of sexual inuendo that I’m in a committed relationship, as he well knew. I assured him that, regardless, I would never date a co-worker and I’m absolutely not interested in having sex with him. This was our only time ever together privately, and I felt it was important to cut that line of conversation off in order to set the standard and expectation of the night early on. I know how problematic it is now that I’d agreed for him to stay, but I’d naively thought that with my firm assurances, and with us both having security clearances and working for the Federal Government, there was no way he would violate boundaries or harm me in any way. I really believed that all of my co-workers were upstanding people with good values who I could be safe with.
I purposely made sure we stayed away from the hotel the whole evening. We walked on the strip and went to a casino and bar. We came back to my room and he began flirting with me again. Once again, I said I’m not interested in hooking up with a co-worker, and I became scared at this point. He was across from me, leaning on the dresser as I sat on my bed, and then he came over and began kissing me as I tried to retreat and push him away. I said “no” and “stop” several times, and at this point I was absolutely terrified because it became clear to me what his intentions were, no matter what I said or did. I knew then that he was going to rape me.
He began forcing intercourse with me while I was still wearing my dress. I was frozen in fear and I was too shocked and too scared to scream or fight back because he is much bigger than me and I was afraid he might hurt me if I fought back or yelled. I know it’s strange the things you remember when you’ve been raped, but I recall that he pulled out and ejaculated on my dress, and seeing that, I remember feeling so degraded and humiliated. I screamed out, “You ruined my dress!” but inside, I felt like he had ruined me — ruined my life.
I went to the bathroom to change clothes. My mind was spinning. I thought of my options – try to get another room in the middle of the night? I felt filthy and didn’t want to see anyone. I was afraid that if I went to the front desk, I would just lose it in front of everyone and feel even more humiliated. The truth is, I didn’t even want to exit the bathroom. It was very difficult for me to wrap my head around what just happened. I’d never been raped before and never prepared myself on what to do if it ever did happen.
Eventually I came out of the bathroom and saw he was in the 2nd bed. I felt slightly relieved that he knew to stay out of my bed. But then he asked if he could sleep in the same bed with me and I said “no!” angrily. I did not want to hook up with him and I made it very clear early in the night in order that there were no blurred lines, so I was in a state of confusion of what happened to me. How strange that he asked permission to sleep in my bed, but thought there was no need to ask permission to violate me! Obviously, he knew what he’d done was wrong. There was no mistaking it. If it had been consensual, he would have been in my bed acting like everything was normal. But he knew he didn’t belong there and that what he’d done was wrong.
When I returned to San Diego, one of my female friends who had gone to Vegas with me came to my apartment to pay me for the room and I told her that my co-worker had behaved “rapey” and that he had sex with me after I told him no and stop. I had difficulty even using the word “rape” and just to cope, I called it “rapey.” But I watched Law and Order SVU regularly, and I knew about consent through our mandatory SAPR trainings at work. I fully realized he raped me … it’s just so painful to say it.
TD and I were still acquaintances at work and never talked about the rape. He never apologized. I vowed to myself I would avoid him whenever possible and will never be alone with him again since he violated me.
On 8/15/16, I took a pregnancy test which said I was 2 to 3 weeks pregnant. I assumed this was with my ex because of the timeframe, and because TD had pulled out. On 9/13/16, my first exam showed that I was 8 weeks pregnant with fraternal twins, and that the estimated conception date was 7/16/16. This was confirmation to me that my ex was their father because the rape occurred at the end of July 2016. I was relieved that TD could not be the father. When my twins were born, I gave them my ex’s last name.
While waiting to receive child support from my ex, a paternity test was ordered. The twins were 7 months old, and I was shocked to learn that my ex was NOT their father! I thought for sure that my ex had faked the test, so I asked for and was a granted a second paternity test for my ex. At this point, I’m thinking of worse possible scenario and to my horror, the possibility that TD is the father. I wanted to eliminate that chance, so I asked TD to take a paternity test. He told me he had a feeling the twins could be his. However, I never suspected I could be pregnant with twins by him because he pulled out, and the doctors told me the conception happened earlier than the date of the rape. Also, TD did not resemble the twins. Lastly, I could not believe I would ever become pregnant with twins from rape.
TD and I bought a home DNA test which ultimately proved he was the father to my fraternal twins – my son and daughter. To this present day, I still can’t believe that he is the father of my twins because of how I became pregnant. I was 34 and didn’t believe I could or would get pregnant, but especially not from rape.
I was scared and extremely vulnerable. I didn’t want to be around TD, but I didn’t know how I would support myself and my twins, so TD began helping me out financially and coming over on Sundays to help me with the twins. At this time, he lived with his girlfriend and 2 other kids who he had custody of.
TD told me that he knew that I was upset and that he knew he “took advantage” of me in Vegas. I knew I had to talk to him about the rape because I was being pressured by my friends and family to report the rape, but as long as he and I knew I did not consent, and if he would be remorseful, I thought I could accept the apology. I called TD on 1/24/18 when my mother was present as my witness watching the twins. I brought up the Vegas night, he did apologize, and I was relieved.
I knew I had to get therapy since my whole life had been altered. I exhausted all of my sick and vacation time, savings, and retirement to help pay for daycare and rent since I did not have paid maternity leave. I went from having no kids at 34, and thinking I was going to marry my ex, to having twins with my rapist, wondering who this person is since we never dated him, nor did I continue seeing him after I was raped. I never thought I would be someone’s 3rd “baby mama” with twins from rape, much less unmarried. At the time, I didn’t really know if my twins having a relationship with their father would be the right and good thing to do. I was still triggered and still have ongoing flashbacks to this day of the rape.
On 4/2/19, TD filed for custody and child support following his fiancée and her friends assaulting me at a Sunday brunch. This opened an investigation into the rape. I provided my statement, as did witnesses who corroborated my story, but the detective did not interview two of my witnesses, nor was my dress examined to show that TD pulled out and ejaculated on my dress.
In June, 2019, to my further horror, TD was given shared custody and overnights. I’ve hired attorneys and have been advised that, in California, he is entitled to 50/50 custody regardless of how the twins were conceived. I know this is an uphill battle, because I allowed him to spend time with the twins, which went in his favor and I should have never allowed that before I reported the rape. TD is denying that he raped me even though we talked and texted about it, proving he acknowledged that I did not consent.
To make matters, worse, at the court hearing on 9/30/20, the judge ordered sanctions on me to pay $200 a month to TD for his lawyer fees because he stated that I did not have basis to get full custody and that I was bringing back to court the same issues about the rape. I did not have legal counsel. I relayed to the judge that since our 7/8/20 hearing, my son has still been crying profusely at exchanges, saying he doesn’t want to go with daddy, and has said daddy hits him to this present day, which was the basis of my filing. Our orders state neither parent shall use corporal punishment, so I thought I needed to come back to court to address my son’s accusations. The judge accused me of speaking negatively to my children about their father, which is completely false. I’m appalled that the judge would make that prejudicial allegation based on no actual facts or evidence.
The judge and TD’s attorney also told me I need to “get over the rape” because the children are here now. I have been following our orders for over a year, but when I see them scared of a person who raped me who lives with a woman who assaulted their mom, I believe I need to fight for them.
I became a mom without consent, but I did the right thing and I chose life for my children, and they also share my birth month in April. I left their birth in God’s hands and I’m so grateful I have them – I have something beautiful which came out of a nightmare, but right now I feel hopeless that I’ll ever be able to protect them and myself. Nevertheless, they mean everything to me. I’m sharing my story to raise awareness that the law needs to be changed in California, and so others can understand that a rape survivor mom can fully love her children and want to see us all protected.
BIO: T.S., a mother who became pregnant by rape, is protecting her name because of her legal battles with her rapist. She has an MBA and a career in the federal service. T.S. became pregnant from non-consent resulting in the birth of her twins. She was raised in a Christian family. T.S. is now a pro-life blogger for Save The 1.
